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| 27 weeks |
It all started last September when I found out that I had thyroid cancer. Surprisingly I was completely fine with knowing that I had cancer and I wasn't surprised by the outcome of the biopsy because, lets be honest, I had a HUGE lump in my throat. It was so huge I felt like I should have named it because it felt, to me, that it was a whole other being growing on me. With the cancer on my mind, I left for NY for 5 days to visit my brother at the beginning of October and when I returned home, with in a couple of days I found out I was pregnant with baby #4.
I was in utter shock and couldn't believe I was pregnant. The more that I thought about it, I couldn't even figure out how it happened considering Jim's travel schedule and I just stopped breastfeeding 3 months earlier. The first person to find out the new was my sister-in-law, Danika. I called her in tears, freaking out. I was not ready for another baby and I wasn't even sure I wanted another baby, especially a "surprise" baby. William wasn't even a year old and I was just getting back into shape and trying to loose all the weight I gained from William's pregnancy. Danika was excited for me and said that every baby is a blessing. I told her that I was glad someone was excited for the pregnancy.
I had such mixed feelings about it. I knew that I should be excited considering how difficult it was for me to get pregnant the other 3 times and I felt guilty for not feeling that thrill of being pregnant. Instead I resented Jim for getting me pregnant and I didn't want anything to do with the baby growing inside of me.
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| 29 weeks |
The next step was trying to figure out how this pregnancy was going to play into the whole cancer situation; would I need to abort the baby or would I be able to keep it? I had to postpone my surgery that was scheduled for mid-October since I couldn't have a surgery in my first trimester for fear of harming fetal development. I was told that I could keep the baby but pregnancy could exacerbate the growth of the cancer so waiting until I had the baby to have surgery wasn't an option. I was scheduled for my first surgery at the beginning of my second trimester in January and my second surgery at the end of my second trimester in February.
With everything that was happening, I think everyone around me was more concerned than I was. I had a sense of peace and calm through out it all even though I knew the risks of going under the knife not once, but twice while being pregnant. I was happy that everything seemed fine with the baby after going through the surgeries and I was starting to be OK with the idea that I was going to have another baby.
At my 20 week mark, I went in for my ultrasound convinced that I was having a girl. After looking at the ultrasound, the tech told me that I was having a boy. My heart was crushed. After looking at his bones and organs I asked her to check one more time to make sure it was a boy. Sure enough, that kid went spread eagle and there was no mistaking that he had a pickle between his legs. It took everything I had not to cry as I was lying on the table with my stomach covered in gel.
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| 32 weeks |
I again, felt no attachment to this baby. I knew that I would need to come up with a name quickly so I could attach some feelings to this baby. Jim and I thew around many names including: Jack, Jackson, Oliver, Ethan, Thomas, and a few more that I couldn't remember. Nothing seemed to fit like when we named our other kids. I was getting frustrated and I am sure that I was just driving Jim batty. One Sunday I was sitting in Sunday school bored out of my mind and started flipping through my bible. I landed in the Book Of Ezra in the Old Testament and felt like that was the name. That next week I heard the name Ezra on the TV, radio and read it in an article online. I then made a mention of it to Jim and he agreed with me that Ezra was the name.
Once the name was picked, I was hooked. Immediate attachment followed. I was still a bit nervous about having another child considering that on some days I felt like I could barely handle the three that I had at home. Knowing that there was no turning back, I just tried to embrace the pregnancy and ran with all of it- back problems, constant barfing and always peeing my pants.
The cancer wasn't the only thing that plagued my family during this pregnancy. Right before my second surgery, we found out that Jim would no longer have a job come mid-April. *eye roll* "Here we go again," I thought. If it wasn't one thing it was another. Lucky for Jim and I, we knew that life wasn't easy and that we could either roll with the punches or get punched in the face. We just kept positive and kept living life trying to be proactive and figure out plans A-K just in case if different situations presented themselves.
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| 38 weeks |
I was scared to death about Jim's unemployment because I was sure I would kill him if I had to be with him 24/7 for who knows how long. I have to admit that him being unemployed was a huge blessing for us and our family. With his previous job always taking him away from us for traveling and working long hours, it was nice to actually see him slip back into being a Dad and husband. I loved watching him play with the kids and help with school work. My back was really bothering me so he turned it up a notch and helped out with house work and for the first time in almost 2 years, I truly felt like I had an equal partner in the home. I was able to actually sit back and take a nap and relax instead of me being the one to run the ship. Jim would make me breakfast in bed and even though I knew Jim loved me, it was nice to actually feel loved again. Nothing was hotter to me than watching Jim hang out with a bunch of other Moms and kids at play groups like it was just part of his normal routine.
With my due date approaching, Jim was offered a job and started the week that I was due. Always impeccable timing in our home. I was actually sad for Jim to return to work since I enjoyed having him home so much. With 4 days of work under his belt, I went into labor on day 5, my actual due date. Ezra Tolman Wuehler was born on June 21, 2013 (the summer solstice) weighing 9lbs 11oz and 21.5 inches long. He was absolutely perfect in every single way!
As I look at him, I realize he wasn't a surprise, but a bonus. He became the silver lining in all of our trials these past 10 months. He came out as perfect and as sweet as a baby can be. I was instantly in love with him and couldn't imagine him
not a part of my family. I do feel guilty for thinking that I didn't want anything to do with him and that he was a burden. I couldn't be farther from the truth. He has brought us, as family so much closer to one another and taught me that I need to rely not only on Jim, but my whole family. I learned that it is OK to ask for help and that I don't have to shoulder everything myself. I have learned to focus on more important and meaningful things in life and enjoy them, not just to live them.
The kids are completely infatuated with him and can't get enough of him. Unfortunately for Ezra, that means that he always has some kid in his face, someone wanting to touch him and always someone wanting to wake him up to "play." He doesn't lack the attention, that is for sure. It is as if he was always part of our family and everyone was quick to embrace him but me. I was the one who had 9 months to welcome him into our family.
Now that he is here, I am a bit sad that my birthing years have come to an end. I would have 10 more babies if I could keep them in the 2 week newborn phase where all they do is eat, sleep, poop and cuddle. But knowing that they soon grow up and need so much more attention, I think 4 children is my number. I think I will hold onto my maternity clothes for a bit since even though I know that no more children will be joining us, I just can part with them just yet. With sadness I am closing this chapter in my life but I am so excited for the chapters to come.
